[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place