Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face