Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.