I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?