Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.