Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
❤️❤️❤️
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread