burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
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Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me My dog
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
We need to put an American base on the sun
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it