In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”