Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time