My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat