I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
This cat wants you to take your pills
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Venn
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
taking June’s advice to heart
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal