<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.