When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Happy Thanksgiving
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”