Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Oh we’ve met.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service