The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My whole life was a lie.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Why font matters.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.