A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do