A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Introverted vegans go meetless
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.