[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Ha
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m being attacked 😭
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.