*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine