[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors