just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD