Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that