donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
It’s a gift
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.