Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.