A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.