shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
You Might Also Like
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Donkey Kong sommelier
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
accurate
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris