Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine