We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”