Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.