Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”