My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE