[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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Jupiter
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?