I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.