{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Reporter: *ports again*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
True
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes