Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women