customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away