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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
absolute chaos
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Bringing home a sharpie
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Okay
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?