I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
found my next D&D character name
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*