Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Born to be mild.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
☺️
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.