I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.