this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
You deplete me
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.