I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
normalize having existential bread
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real