My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
You Might Also Like
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”