Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
🐕🍷
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.