caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.