I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
BaD BoY!!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.