A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
taking June’s advice to heart
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”