A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I’m not wrong
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Muppet Screams
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin