Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You Might Also Like
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
(by @ZachWeiner )
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]