It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
groan^2
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.